she needs drugs && he needs 'em just as bad

officially switched.

check out myspace.

i have finally decided to conform.

you should, too.

drugs.sex.screamo

you're an unfamiliar face

appearing in the mirror

expressing a judgment of distaste.

i am the response written in this song

images displayed described in letters

rolling off your tongue

waters fall from emotion

a broken heart and reflection

and i still hold this fist stained red.

granted one last wish i'd be the thought

slipping in and out of your head.

is this all you wanted me for?

you are the lens;;i am the liar

fuck you.

i'm sick of people. it's like shit goes wrong all at once. the people i love suddenly have higher priorities than me. it's like i went from first to third. i could rant a lot here, but i don't feel like it.

i know a lot of it's not your fault. so most of all.

fuck me.

i could run a confessional booth here, but i've decided not to, considering this text is being monitored by pigs and parents and nosy teachers. 

>>edit<<

note

 to any pig, parent or nosy teacher immature enough to stoop to this level;;

let me first address myself. my name is moukdaninh diana sayasaeng, i go to east highschool, and i am in the tenth grade. the sole purpose of this note is to acknowledge my appreciation of your stupidity. find this rude, inconsiderate, up-front. that's totally okay with me, because i'm an up-front person. i think it's utter bullshit that you would even dare think of viewing a teenager's journal. we have journals so that we have a private space to vent, whether it's on a blank sheet of paper or blank megapixels on a monitor. it's not fair. you fuckheads basically tell us we have our rights, but that our rights aren't valid until we're 18? so until then, we aren't allowed to have a private space, just for us? you have already invaded our privacy too much.

you rummage through our rooms, our closets. looking for drugs? they're not anywhere hidden in the rooms you search frantically so often. did you try our blood stream?

you've taken our social lives. you know every little inch of it. and now you're going to take the little last bit of privacy we have?

we call people like you shit-faced scum for reason. i know the people from the srs and shit are reading this, being nosy and low. so. you came here looking for information to hold against me when my mother attempts to send me away for foster care?

you got it.

i smoke.

i don't believe in god.

i am violent.

i am depressed.

i take medications. and sometimes more than the reccomended dose.

i am suicidal.

i am truant.

i am a thief.

i am sexually active.

and yes, i am a handful.

but you know what? all of that doesn't matter, because i know i'm still a good person, and my mother knows it, too. so you can stop monitoring my webpages and blogs, because there's nothing my mother doesn't know.

for future purposes, if you want to find something out, have the balls to confront us about it.

have a nice day.

PLZKTHX, <3//mooki

steal this entry.

i made a bracelet today. it says Fcuk mE Hard. my initial intention was to spell it right. i was slightly disoriented.

is anyone else in a rambling mood? i am.

i really miss fleeper. i thought i could do it, just 2 weeks, you know? but by day 1 i realized i couldn't. it's like more than a piece of you leaving yourself. every hour seems like a day. i don't really feel.."whole" while she's gone. it's weird, but true. it's just not right, or complete. i really do miss her. i go through fleeper withdrawals at night. hey, only one more week, right?

lately i just haven't been able to be alone. and the worst part about it is it seems like whenever i need people there the most, they never are. sorry if i've been clinging a lot lately, it's just crazy thinking and not knowing who'll leave next, you know?

maybe i shouldn't be scared of anything anymore. maybe then nothing bad will happen. everything i've been afraid of has come true so far.

i think i'm gonna stop making promises, too..to myself, and other people. promises only lead to broken trust and hearts. i don't like it when people promise things to you when they know they won't be able to keep them.

i'm not dating for a long time. i'm not gonna use people like disposables anymore, like i did before, you know? i noticed i have a tendency to use people. like i think that if i use their pieces to fill the gap in my heart i create for myself, they'll keep me from spilling all over the floor. it doesn't work. so i'm not gonna go through little flings to try to give myself temporary happiness, you know?

i guess the same goes for drugs. i can't run forever. but it feels so good, you know? when everything else goes wrong, the best thing you can do is at least feel alright.

i really miss my grandparents. especially my grandpa. i thought i'd be celebrating when they left, but i'm not, you know? i do love them, no matter how bitchy they were. it makes me sad, i know i'm never seeing them again. ever.

i'm just gonna altogether stop talking about my losses & feelings. i know it gets annoying.

on the bright side, i get to see kyle phillips tomorrow. all day. 8]

<3// mooki

>>edit<<

[my name is]: Moukdaninh Diana Sayasaeng

[single or taken]: Single, but claimed
[sex]: female
[bday]: March 1oth
[sign]: Pisces
[siblings]: yes.
[hair color]: Black
[eye color]: Brown
[height]: 4' 11"
[in the morning I am]: loopy.
[love is]: a fucking piece of shit that ends up fucking you in the ass.
[I dream about]: people. impossible stuff. basically being on acid.

- W H O -
[is easiest to talk to]: fleeper & jess & Zach

[are your best friends?]: Fleeper & Jess

[do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend] nope.

- W H O W A S T H E L A S T P E R S O N... -
[you talked to on the phone]: jerri.

[you instant messaged]: boombox.

[you laughed with]: jerri.

- D O Y O U / A R E Y O U -
[could you live without the computer?]: yes.
[what's your favorite food?]: cheese cake's pretty tastey. and so is whipped cream.
[what's ur favorite fruit?] strawberries.
[what hurts the most?] when everyone you thought cared leaves.
[trust others way too easily?]: hah, no.

-N U M B E R-
[of times I have had my heart broken?]: twice.
[of hearts I have broken]: two.
[of drugs taken illegally?]: i lose count. at least three.
[of tight friends?]: enough.
[of cd's that I own?]: uhm......like..3o?
[of scars on my body?]: 98, excluding bug bites.
[of things in my past that I regret?]: ...at least one.

- O T H E R T H I N G S -
[I know] I feel like shit.

[I want]: to know.
[I have]: insomnia.
[I wish]: words and pictures could describe feelings accurately.
[I hate]: how i let myself play the role of being a doormat.
[I miss]: waking up to someone holding me.
[I fear]: random puddles that could be huge holes 56 ft deep filled with rain water.
[I search]: the internet for porno.
[I love]: fleeper & jess & ..sam.
[I care]: about my hair.
[I always]: look pissed.
[I cry]: when i remember memories that i know probably won't happen again.

[I confuse]: space & time with love.
[I can usually be found]: in my room, at fleeper's, zach's garage, barnes & noble's, college hill park.
[I need]: underwear.
[gang member]: ..excuse me, do i look like a faggot to you?
[daydreamer] yes.
[freak] sure.
[brat]: could be if i wanted to.
[sarcastic]: yes.
[goody-goody]: LMAO.
[talkative]: occassionally. often, yes.

- S E L F A N A L Y S I S -
[your best feature (personality)]: i am very humorous and i get along with people well.
[most annoying thing you do]: poke at people to talk to me about their feelings.
[the physical feature for which you are most often complemented] my eyes and lips.
[a city you'd like to visit]: Chicago.
[a drink you order most often]: root beer.
[a delicious dessert]: cheesecake.
[a book you highly recommend]: the perks of being a wallflower, the secret garden.

[a film you could watch over and over]:  the notebook, nitemare before christmas.
[your cologne or perfume]: amber romance by victoria's secret.
[under your bed or in your closet, you hide]: drugs, my journal, notes.
[color]: pink, green, black, white.
[boys names]: benjeman, james.
[girls names]: memories, vanity, serenity.
[subjects in school] art, photo, ap art history.
[animals]: ferrets.
[sports]: skating.

- H A V E Y O U E V E R... -
[given anyone a bath?]: yes.
[bungee jumped?]: i wish.
[made yourself throw up?]: yes.
[ever been in love?] ..i still am.
[made yourself cry to get out of trouble?]: yes.
[pictured your crush naked?] :o yes.
[actually seen your crush naked?]: yes. xO
[cried when someone died?]: yes.
[lied]: compulsively.
[fallen for your best friend?] no
[been rejected?]: nope.
[rejected someone]: yes.
[used someone?]: ouch. yeah.
[done something you regret?]: yes.

- L A S T P E R S O N -
[you touched] haha, it depends where.
[hugged]: Zach.
[you IMed]: Jesse.
[you yelled at]: my little brother.

- A R E Y O U -
[understanding]: most of the time.
[open-minded]: of course.
[arrogant]: very.
[insecure]: very.
[interesting]: i'd like to say so.
[random]: bears can't have sex on an empty stomache.
[hungry]: food hasn't been agreeing with my tummy these last 2 weeks.
[smart]: not really.

[moody] yes.
[hard working]: no.
[organized]: on the outside, yes. on the inside, no.
[healthy]: usually, yes. as of right now, no.
[shy]: i can be.
[difficult]: fo sho.
[attractive]: i don't really think so.
[bored easily]: yes. it's hard to keep up with me.

[messy]: most of the time
[responsible]: generally.
[obsessed]: usually not. people say i am right now, though.
[angry]: most definately.
[sad] yep.
[happy]: not really.
[trusting]: eh. so so.

bad habbits are a blessing from the antichrist

sometimes, i wish the world could just be perfect for all of us. depression isn't an easy thing to get rid of, if it's possible at all to get rid of it. i've always needed a bad habbit, and i think i've found quite a few. in a way, i'm really looking forward to the new school year. but for the most part, i'm kind of not. people are changing, zooming in & out of our lives faster than you can even learn their names. i'm really sorry to those i've not spoken to in a long while..i know i've missed out on a lot of things i shouldn't of had. false hope for things improbable is damn near faded for me now. i know things won't ever go back to the way they used to be.

>>eDIT<<

i could say it a million and one times, and it still wouldn't be enough.

i love you.and everything in between.every inch of flaw matching my idea of perfection.

today is the 2 [official] months of moukdaninhdianasayasaeng&samuelmilesfreeman.

frenchtoast, anyone?

>>yetanotheredit<<

i told you that i'd show you, didn't i?